honesty

in my creative life there are things to learn, things to understand, and things to accept

at some level or another it seems i've been fighting with these concepts for most of my creative life, especially the latter

there's what is and there's what i want there to be

 disagreeing with that gap when it exists causes me no end of trouble, usually culminating in things being set aside for weeks, months and often years

case in point, these small pieces of antique linen with snippets of fabric and lace attached with tiny, almost invisible stitches

some I'm kind of pleased with, others seem a bit more orderly and contrived than i would prefer, and so they sat for more than a year... what to do?

take them apart and start again?  hack at the pieces so they look more tatty?

i used them as i found them, no trimming, just straight from the scrap box... the thought of hacking into them deliberately seems a bit contrived

and those with ordered layouts - take them off and just plonk them back on any which way? 

close my eyes and do it?

again, that would be even more contrived than just doing what i thought looked nice 

as well,  the neatness of whatever embroidery had been added - it's what comes naturally for me, to stitch neatly... the only way I can make my stitching look "bad" is to either purposefully make it messy or take scissors to it and mess it up that way

(and yes, i have taken scissors to my work to get a random appearance)

in looking at these small pieces the other day, trying to decide what to do with them in my ever-present quest to finish past works, a dawning realisation came over me, that they are very much "me"

not contrived, nor orchestrated... each thing placed where I thought it looked best - to showcase the particular beauty of each scrap... stitches placed just so to enhance a particular quality of the fabric or lace

planned and deliberate, yes, but not in a deceiving way, not to make any of it look like something it wasn't

there's honesty in this work and it's taken me until this exact moment, in the typing of the sentence above, that the final puzzle piece has jogged into place

it's all about honesty

when i fight what i do naturally my work is not be an honest reflection of me and all that i bring to it

that fight takes my work and makes it a lie

and therein lies my struggle these past months, years even

in not accepting what is, i was creating what wasn't and it felt hollow

a shallow reflection a best

and so the way forward has now become a whole lot clearer 

feels like a pretty great way to start a brand new year