leaning in

for more than a year I've been stumbling... creative pursuits have been a struggle, the desire has never waned but the doing has been a different story

I've read a lot of books on making art, creative blocks, why we want but can't do

some have been so wonderfully well written, so full of thoughts and insights - I seem to be alternating from putting the books down, gazing off into the distance, puzzling my way through what I've just read or clapping them shut and heading upstairs to finally give something I've been toying with a go

I've learned many things but most of all I've learned the only through this is to keep going

keep working and stop trying to make it perfect

don't try to get it right

just do it and see what happens

then do the next thing

I won't say I'm completely over being blocked but I am certainly flirting with being on the other side

and along the way I've done some different things that have given me a lot of pleasure - nothing amazing, just interesting things that have given me the impetus to try what comes to mind

such as the print I made from when I was mulling paint - made into one of my every-other-day collages

it reminded me of a harvest moon so I combined it with some painted tissue paper from last year, in dark greens and burnt umber with shots of black - I noticed it had paint marks that looked almost like leaves and dark lines that reminded me of leafless trees

a few scratched lines 

and then thinking about water... 

(the subject of an upcoming member's show at our local Art Centre)

I've painted a few watery-looking papers with watercolour over the years but nothing that has excited me

 

 I decided they needed texture and since I don't yet have the skill to paint that I added some to watercolour paper using a artist's medium and once it dried I painted it with some of my own paints, ones I made from wood and from rocks

a very interesting effect, beautiful marks

 

and I love the graininess 

I love this section, almost like tidal pools, but I used a low-quality paper and it's buckled

I tried again on higher quality paper but used too much of the medium so the results were not great but I know now to use a light hand so will try again

I was always so afraid of wasting supplies, both from an environmental and a cost perspective but have come to learn there's a little thing called "gesso" which can be painted or scraped on top of failures, allowing the paper to be used again

the other day, whilst reading one of said books I got the idea to draw stems with a gold metallic pencil crayon and add leaves in a green-gold colour using a palette knife

don't ask me why, I have no idea

the book I was reading was not about painting at all, just about whenever you can, get your creative carcass into the studio and do what you're thinking of when you're dreaming it up

don't wait while you think about if you really should use that pencil, or are you sure green-gold paint would look good as a leaf

or what kind of shape the leaves should be

so I hauled myself up the stairs and ten minutes later I was looking at this

after I did the stems and leaves I thought 

"I love this! I should add flowers..."

and immediately the "No" started... adding flowers would be too risky because I don't how to paint flowers, and I could wreck the whole thing - and what colour would they be anyway? What colour would be best with this green? Are the angles of the stems going to work for flowers or will they look awkward?

???????????

I grabbed the closest tube of paint and squeezed it out, mixed it a bit with the green and started

nope, they're not that great but they're a start and I can work with them

if I choose to

or I can leave it alone, put it in my sketchbook and write ideas down beside it as I think of them

but I don't have to keep trying to make this into a finished "perfect" thing

it can be what it is... the embodiment of an idea

 a thought that occurred to me and wasn't afraid to try

and now I think this is one I could try to interpret in embroidery

stem stitching, French knots, appliquéd leaves... hmmm

the wheels really haven't been at all rusty - it's the fingers that are stiffened with disuse

but as I lean in to this new of way of thinking, of working, I feel the nimbleness coming back

and hot on it's heels, the joy